How to make the most of those holiday parties

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can – and quickly; it’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it! Have one for me … Have two! It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Helloooo?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies…Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards!

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

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18 responses to “How to make the most of those holiday parties

  1. Haha, love this. Thanks for sharing

    http://www.asyoustitch.etsy.com

  2. I sat down next to the most delicious crab dip at the last party I attended. sigh

  3. These are wonderful tips my friend LOL Carrots too funny

  4. You are my kind of person!!

  5. Love it. I generally have a rule about cheese. Eat as much of it as humanly possible at every destination.

  6. ha, this is a FANTASTIC list! LOVE. 🙂

  7. The only excuse for picking up a piece of fruitcake is to lob it at someone standing by your cookies 😉 What? are we the only family that serves lemon meringue pie?

  8. Perfect! Now I think I need to stop by the store and pick up some eggnog before the snowstorm hits.

    • Annie, I don’t recommend shopping. I just got back from the grocery store. I bought 6 items and stood in line for 15 minutes. It’s a madhouse out there! (Luckily, people are still being friendly, but just wait another 2 hours…)

  9. Mmmmm…rum balls…that just put me over the edge!!

  10. I have seen this before but it definitely bears repeating! I LOVE it! I especially relate to #6 … with the looooong naps! Sage advice dear Karen!

  11. Well I never wrote it down in a list, but I’m afraid I do operate by this philosophy!

  12. I think I need to stop by your place for the holidays. And if I see one carrot….. ! 😉

  13. We had our office holiday party, and it was a total bust. Our new boss (we merged with another department) decided it would be an ice cream social. we had ice cream and cookies, and that’s it. WTF?

    Between the dieters, the lactose intolerant people, and the diabetics, there wasn’t a whole lot of ice cream consumed.

    Word around the break room is next week the operations guys are having a barbecue out back on the day the boss is taking off.

  14. Hahha…I especially love the one about not eating something before going to a party. I have read that tip in several magazine articles, and I am just thinking “what the heck?” What is the point of going to a party if you aren’t going to eat?