Para– What?

PARAPROSDOKIAN SENTENCES…. “A figure of speech that uses an unexpected ending to a series or phrase”   (I had to look it up)

Groucho Marx gave us some wonderful ones:

  • “She got her good looks from her father; he’s a plastic surgeon.”
  • “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”
  • “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.”
  • “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

PARAPROSDOKIAN SENTENCES

Ø   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
you with experience.

Ø   When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø   Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Ø   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

Ø   If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

Ø   We never really grow-up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø   War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

Ø   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø   Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed
to tell you why it isn’t.

Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

Ø   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Ø   Some people are like Slinkies… not really good for much of anything,
but you can’t help smiling when you push one down the stairs.

Ø   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you
don’t need it and already have some in their bank.

Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an
emergency, notify:”  I write in: “DOCTOR”.

Ø   I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

Ø   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said
“Implants?”

Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say ‘the paint is wet’?

Ø   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for President and
fifty for Miss America?

Ø   Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.

Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.

Ø   Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they
were.

Ø   Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø   I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø   There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can’t get away.

Ø   I used to be indecisive. Now I’m just not sure.

Ø   I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a
shot of tequila.

Ø   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department
usually uses water.

Ø   You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.

Ø   Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Ø   Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.

Ø   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when
you are in it.

Ø   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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10 responses to “Para– What?

  1. I LOVE the one about Slinkies!! HA!!

  2. LOL…it’s so true about the bus one LOL 🙂

  3. I’ve used the one about being a diplomat – many times. Could that be because I’m no good at it, but rather will blurt out the unadulterated truth, and hope that I won’t get shot?
    BTW – I’m going to link to this post, it’s just sooo great!

  4. Pingback: Friday « Teepe’s weblog

  5. Sent here by Trudie – glad I came. These are hysterical. Some I’ve heard many times, and still love. Others are new, and absolutely worth reading! Thanks for the beginning of the weekend humour!

  6. lol, so many of those are true!

  7. My grandfather had a paraprosdokian saying for every occasion. A lot of these reminded me of him. Thanks!

  8. … but it’s still on the list! ROFL!!!

    And thank you Lord, for my BAD memory!

    Somebody must have had a heck of a vocabulary list this week! PARAPROSDOKIAN… man! Does he have to SPELL it too?

  9. this is wonderful!!

    I love the way about going to church/standing in a garage
    I love them all actually

    thanks for a great read
    and thanks for visiting my stinky bug post 🙂