PARAPROSDOKIAN SENTENCES…. “A figure of speech that uses an unexpected ending to a series or phrase” (I had to look it up)
Groucho Marx gave us some wonderful ones:
- “She got her good looks from her father; he’s a plastic surgeon.”
- “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”
- “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.”
- “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
you with experience.
Ø When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow-up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed
to tell you why it isn’t.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Some people are like Slinkies… not really good for much of anything,
but you can’t help smiling when you push one down the stairs.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you
don’t need it and already have some in their bank.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an
emergency, notify:” I write in: “DOCTOR”.
Ø I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.
Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say ‘the paint is wet’?
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for President and
fifty for Miss America?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
Ø Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they
Ø Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can’t get away.
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I’m just not sure.
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a
shot of tequila.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department
usually uses water.
Ø You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
Ø Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when
you are in it.
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.